Wife

Wife... well now I am one.  While I'm thrilled to be Andy's wife, and couldn't be happier, there is something about the word wife that doesn't sound great.

Maybe it is because our society and culture links the term wife with "the old ball and chain", or other negative connotations.

Maybe it is because I don't like the sound of the word.  Wife.

It reminds me of my Dad's saying, "Happy Wife means Happy Life".

While I know he is joking, there is some truth to this for people.  And I think that the sarcastic tone to the comment often means that you just have to do what your wife says... I don't want to be that wife.  And I don't think I am.  I think that we need to reinvent the meaning of wife.... or maybe just reinforce the positives of the word.  So here is my attempt at it:

Wife: a woman who is a partner in crime, a dedicated, loving, individual who works hard at her relationship.  A woman who is thoughtful, not demanding.  Supportive, not nagging.  And FUN, NOT BORING!

I don't know... maybe I'm just crazy, and I'm having an issue adjusting with my new identity (not my new role, let's be clear here, this is purely semantics!).  I hope to learn to love the title.  I do love saying that Andy is my husband.  (So much better than fiance! ugh what a word!)  And it is easier to explain things, like weekends away visiting my in-laws, rather than my fiancé's family, or my boyfriend's family.... husband and wife are much simpler terms.

Something more complicated is that I have chosen to keep my own name.  I am not changing to become Molly Hinterman.  I just can't let go of my name.  I've been Molly Doolittle Perkins for 33 years, and I can't imagine it any other way.  I have come across many different reactions to this choice.  And I find them all interesting.  I have been thinking about this topic for a while since I read a post on Off Beat Bride about it.

http://offbeatbride.com/2010/05/last-name-study

This post discusses a study on what people thought of women who changed their names, and women who didn't.  The results are fascinating.  Here is part of the results they found (Copied and pasted directly from the link above):

Some Dutch researchers from Tilburg Universityrecently published a paper about the judgments that married women encounter based on their last name choice.

According to their research, women who take their partner's names or hyphenate were seen as:

• more caring
• more dependent
• less intelligent
• more emotional
• less competent
• less ambitious

...than women who kept their last names.

Meanwhile, women who keep their last names were seen as:

• less caring
• more independent
• more ambitious
• more intelligent
• more competent

The real kicker? They found that women who took their husband's last names were less likely to be hired for jobs, and made significantly less money.

So basically, I'm less caring, but independent, ambitious, intelligent and competent.  Now I can say that the majority of my married friends fall into the same category as I do.... keeping our names.  I do however have many acquaintances and some close friends who did take their husband's names (or they hyphenated with their partner).  I find that all of these women in my circle of friends have qualities of independence, ambitiousness, intelligence, competence, and are very caring people.  Obviously whether you keep your name or change it, it really doesn't say anything about your traits.  Yet what this study shows, and what Ariel, (OBB) narrowed it down to, is either way you go, you are judged... so do what you want!

I have had some very negative reactions to telling people that I'm still "just" Molly Doolittle Perkins, and I've had some extremely supportive reactions too.  I guess some of this all ties into the "wife" feeling.  So it isn't that I don't love Andy, or any of the Hintermans.  I love them all and I'm very glad to call them my family.  But I just can't let go of my Perkinsness.  I feel like my name is part of me.  And it just sounds so foreign and weird for me to call myself anything else.

So judged or not, I'm Molly Doolittle Perkins, and I'm sticking to it.  I know that I'll probably be called Mrs. Hinterman when we have kids, and people have addressed me this way already in the last month (since we've been married that long).  I don't take offense to it, but I do take a little step back when I hear it, because
a. I'm not used to it,
b. it sounds strange because it is new, and
c. people assume

I'm sure I'll get used to it and it'll become second nature, just as now I can't really tell the difference if someone calls me Molly or Mol... It will just take time.  And really, it is an honor to be called Mrs. Hinterman, because the last Mrs. Hinterman, Jan, Andy's Mom, was a great lady.